The Coffee Table Lesson...

As we age and grow we learn life lessons from many people along the way......Friends, relatives and sometimes complete strangers. Our parents are usually the ones that start our voyage and teach us what they can, and then in turn we pass on those lessons to our children.

Sometimes life can be a struggle and we get bogged down in the sad, and the bad and the painful and the busy. Then our children get to be the teachers. What a wonderful way to see what they have learned......and that is what my story is about.

This is my coffee table. It is over 20 years old.

When my husband Keith and I bought it we wanted sturdy solid wood that would stand the test of time. That when it was marked up and had to be replaced, we could instead sand it and refinish it. Well the that time has come. If you look closely you will see it is pitted and marked, and has 20 years of scars on it.  And these pictures really don't show how bad it really is.The coffee table along with the side table have been given to my son Cody. They were something he wanted because of the history of the pieces. I asked him recently if we could have my friend refinish them for us. Being a woman I of course wanted them to be pretty and redone to match our new sofa. And this is what he said....

Mom do you know how many hours of my childhood was spent playing at that coffee table. Myself, an assortment of friends and my cousins, Erika, A.J, Skylar and Jatem spent so much time sitting there coloring, playing board games, and having snacks while watching cartoons when we were little. All of those marks are a part of or a memory of my childhood....I don't want to refinish it or paint it. I want it just the way it is......OK...insert a lot of my tears here....wow....did he tell me or what!! Glad we bought solid wood. These tables will be around forever!!

Then there is Nicole, she is  the one that reminded me that we need to look at our lives and only do what is important to us. Don't sweat all the little things. Surround yourself with people you love and that love you back. People that uplift you and bring meaning, and joy to your life. If you feel a friendship or relationship of any kind is always in constant need of repair, and makes you feel like you are always walking on egg shells then let it go. Life is too short to be sad, or mad. Life is to be enjoyed. Yes, be polite, be an adult and of course we all have to do some things we don't like....that is life. But when you have a choice, choose what makes you happy and who makes you happy.

And Natalie, ohhhhh  sweetie how you have taught me about fear. That fear will always come knocking, but we don't have to answer the door. You taught me that even when the shaking in your freaking boots kind of fear shows its ugly head we can push through it. I know there were days when you were in the academy you wanted to quit....but you didn't. There was fear of failure, and fear of old memories coming to life...but you pushed through and come out on the other side with a renewed sense of self. I am sooo proud of her. Fear is one of my biggest struggles.

My son in law Tbone (yep...he is one of my kids as well) has reminded me that we are all just doing the best we can. We each have our own unique struggles......we are no better or no worse than the next person. We are all children of God. He loves us no matter what church we go to, or what mistakes we make along our way. His love is pure and his love is there for EVERYONE!

I have no words to express how proud I am of my children. Each of them is on their own life journey with all the joys and pitfalls that come with it. But I can see that they each have what they need to make it. Life is a constant class room and we will find all kinds of teachers along the way. For the lesson that my children taught me......I am FOREVER grateful.

Nicole, Tbone, Natalie and Cody.....I love you with all my heart.

Happy Birthday Mr. Wonderful!!

Today we celebrate an amazing man!! Perfect...Nope....really freaking close...Yep!!

He was my husband and the father of my children, but he was also my best friend. Oh how we laughed. Somehow even the bad stuff could be handled with humor when we were together. He was sooo out going, so friendly, such a nut, and for the life of him he could not dance or get the punch line of a joke correct but ohhhhh how he tried.

His children adored him and he felt the same about them. They were his number one priority and he would do anything for them. He was the kind of dad that really listened and tried to help...he didn't judge. He NEVER made them feel like they were not good enough. He was supportive to all his family and friends and the first one the scene when anyone needed help.

.

He loved his horses and was pure eye candy when he had on his boots and 501 button fly jeans. Yep....he was my cowboy and I will forever love him and miss him.
Until we are together again cowboy.....I am sending all my love.

Happy Birthday to my Forever Love. The kids and I miss you

Pink Glitter Blessings

Sorry in advance if this is a tad long but I didn't want to skip too many details. (I originally wrote this on Facebook, and just copied it to my blog)

 

 

 Yesterday was an amazing day. I woke first thing with a little dread because I knew I had a long list of things to accomplish, cleaning and rearranging the panty, cleaning and rearranging all my kitchen cabinets, laundry, cleaning the apartment...etc. As I got started for the day I received a text....a text that touched my heart deeply. A text that told me I matter, that I have really touched the life of someone and they feel I taught them something very valuable and wanted me to know. I won't say too much more on that because this person and her family are kind of private and really don't like the "tell everything on FB stuff". I want to respect that. But to know they care about me and value me and wanted me to know I made a positive change in their lives means the world to me. I must have cried for 15 minutes out of gratitude....thank you so much for sharing your feelings with me......My day just felt better, I guess I just needed that lift to my spirit. All of a sudden the cleaning wasn't such a chore.....I felt so grateful for all I have.

 

I was waiting for my amazing friend Marilyn Sorensen to come by and it was getting a bit past my bed time and I was almost a sleep on the couch when someone knocked on my door really hard. By the time I got there and looked out the peep hole I only saw a blurry shadow rounding the corner by my stairs. I just figured it was the kids outside playing, but then I noticed something all over my porch...I opened my door and there was pink glitter all over my porch and down my stairs I love glitter and my favorite color is pink. In the middle of the glitter there was an envelope. I went inside and opened it to find a beautiful Thank you card...a Thank you for being who you are and a note. And this is what the note said "Dear Cricket, You are such a light to so many around you, we all think you deserve some light and kindness in return. Please go to Big O Tires in West Jordan. Ask for Paul. He will assist you in putting on the tires that have been paid for. We saw you talking on Facebook about the Pink Glitter Fairies and since we don't know who they are we will just have to be inspired by them and follow in their footsteps." As I stood there and cried my heart overflowing with emotion my friend Marilyn and her husband Jarryd knocked on the door. I was so overcome with emotion I couldn't even tell them....I just let them read the note.

 

 You see...I have a million pat time jobs but have not been able to find one full time job. I have enough to pay my bills but there is nothing left for things like tires. This winter I did a lot of slipping and sliding because it is time to get new ones. But there wasn't any extra money to do it. So I have been really babying them, and not going to far from home for fear I would get a flat or skid off the road in the snow. So to be gifted something as wonderful as new tires is like being given the Hope Diamond. As I sat and visited with Marilyn and Jarryd my spirit felt like it was soaring. Marilyn is one of those people that just lights up a room with love and kindness, and I was given the opportunity to get to know her husband a little and he shines the same light.

 

I know the last two years I have not always been positive, and have shared a little more than I should have about my private life and what was going on. I have been trying so hard to see the good, see the light at the end of the tunnel, to be more positive and to think of others and reach out in any way I can. I have been told by MANY that what you give off comes back to you. That when all we see and act on is how bad things are they just stay that way. But when we look at the positive, reach out to others and make our thoughts and actions positive that is also what will come back to us. I have been surrounding myself with good people. People who are kind and loving, and have hearts that are open and welcoming and accepting. People who love me with all my good traits and my bad. People who look at all my layers as a person and see my good layers and accept the layers that are still a work in progress. I am sooooo blessed. God has sent me the most amazing family and friends. He has sent me message after message that I am loved, I am valued and that I matter. Yes....yesterday was a wonderful, amazing, love filled, pink glitter day. I will do my very best to live up to the blessing I have been given.....by living the rest of my life in total gratitude. My life just shifted.......forever. To the person who started out my day with the text....thank you and I will always love you and your family and will always be here for you. Your love has touched me forever. And to know I have touched yours and that you were sweet enough to share that with me......you will never know how much it means to me!!! To my tire fairies....words can't express how deeply I am touched and the gratitude I feel. Your loving and generous act has painted my heart with love, gratitude and pink glitter forever.

Each of these two amazing gifts that were given to me today through people who cared enough to share a part of themselves are the gifts that are truly the most treasured.....they came straight from the heart and soul of the givers!!

 To all my family and friends who have been there for me, have seen me at my worst and still loved me enough to hang around for my best, who have supported me, and lifted me and told me the truth EVEN when I didn't want to hear it......Thank you. Your love and friendship has changed my life forever. Thank you Heavenly Father for all my many, many blessings!!!

Me.......

Wow....everyday I learn something new about someone in my life. Lately it has been me!!!

1. I have learned......I am a good friend. When I love you I will do just about anything I can for you. I believe that is one of our soul purposes on earth. To reach out, to love, to help, to care for others. I go out my way for a stranger and if you are a personal friend, or family member I will go to the ends of the earth for you. But I have also learned not everyone shows their friendship the same way I do. I have learned to be open for all kinds of friendships and different ways people show kindness and affection. There is not just ONE WAY!

2. I have learned that I am not as strong as many think, but I am also not as weak as I think. I have been through so many horrible things in my life. Starting at the age of about 5 years old. I have gotten through every single one of them. So I know I am strong, but I am tired. I need some peace where there isn't something to get through.....just for awhile!!!

3. I have always been a perfectionist. Things needed to be done my way for them to turn out right. After much trial and error and observing others with the same affliction I now know there is no such thing as JUST ONE WAY! Something that happened over the holidays opened my eyes wide to this. I am working very hard on not being perfect...LOL...aren't you all glad....LOL

4. I have a tender heart, even though I try not to let it show. I also have tender feelings and I am working on that as well. I now know the difference between someone hurting my feelings and getting my feelings hurt. Sometimes people will hurt your feelings. They mean it, and it is intentional. But then there are times when an innocent remark or action can be just that...innocent. But I let it hurt me, I internalize it when it was nothing at all. Just left over hurts and scars from childhood that still need some balm and work. But I am getting better at it.

5. I am getting pretty good at forgiveness. I am really proud of that one. I work on it daily. Hurt my feelings and I will forgive. Break my heart and I am pretty much going to get on a plane to the back woods of Louisiana and find me a voodoo Priest to make me a voodoo doll of you and have fun poking pins into it. Mess with my feelings but not my heart.....LOL

6. I expect a lot from people. I expect honesty, loyalty, and kindness from my friends and family. But I expect it because I give it. But I also know to expect anything in life is to be a fool.

7. You never know when a kindness will come your way, and who might be the giver. I have had such kindness in the last 2 years from someone I had not expected it from at all. She really is a thoughtful person and her kindness has meant so much to me. But I totally didn't expect it. I didn't give this amazing young woman enough credit and I am sorry for that.

8. I have found that sometimes you just have to let people be. They would rather roll around in the pain than except anything from anyone. No wonder they say "Pride goeth before the fall" . It is not just drug addicts and such that have to hit rock bottom. It is your everyday person that thinks they can do it all, and handle it all on their own with no help from anyone. I know because at one time that was me. But I finally got a clue. I let God and my close inner circle help me when I can't take another step. And in turn I try to be there for my family and friends when they are having trouble getting back up. For some it takes a long time. They will push you away and cloak themselves in their stubborn pride. But I will be there when they finally see that it is OK to reach out and it is OK to accept help.

9. I am not a big risk taker. I get scared....and I hate that I get scared. But it is what it is and it is part of who I am. I am trying to do one thing a month that is out of my comfort zone. Maybe by the end of the year I will have a little more courage and a lot less fear.

10. I love being a part of a team. At work at play and in my personal life. I want a partner here on earth to grow old with. Though my trust-o-meter is not in great shape, I am also not willing to give up on love either. I will be a little more careful next time...OK A LOT more careful. Though my heart still has stitches it is working out each day to get better and be ready when that wonderful, honorable, sweet person comes my way.

11. I value trust over many things. Though I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect and I have many flaws. I DO NOT LIE!! And I have a big problem with liars. I DO NOT CHEAT....at anything or on anyone and I have no respect for anyone that does. Sorry if that seems harsh but at this point in my life it is how I feel. But things change, hearts soften and as we grow we are less critical. My life experiences have brought me to this point......it can change.

12. Life is messy, and fun, and hard and easy and bright and dark, and funny, and sad, and painful and joyful. Life is all of that and more. One day it is up and the next it is sideways. But it is the only one we have. I am going to try really, really hard not to let fear and pain be my compass. I am going to continue to learn and grow, make mistakes, forgive, reach out, mess up, have do overs, skip in the rain, watch a sun rise over the mountains, love, cry, dance and sing (though I am not very good at those last two I am going to do them anyway). I am going to continue to blog about my feelings and my life's journey even though some have told me I shouldn't. For those I say...then don't read it. I am not being mean, I am not pointing fingers. I am just talking about my thoughts, my life, my feelings, my journey. If you don't want to read about it, talk about it, or listen to me talk about it that is OK. But I am going to continue to talk about it. It helps me to write about my life. Your opinion of me is none of my business.

I have so many wonderful supportive, kind, loving people in my life. I am blessed by them and to have a Savior that forgives me for all my stupid screw ups, and loves me anyway. My children and grandchildren are everything to me. And God is above all!! Wonder what I will think about what I just wrote when I come back and read it a year from now.....where will my life be. What new things will I have learned about me and the people in my life.....

Happy Birthday Beautiful

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, sweet, smart. sassy, loving, giving, hardworking, daughter... Natalie.
Daddy and I are so proud of you. We love you and want you to know that we are here for you always and forever.

When I hug you, it is from both of us.
When I kiss your cheek, it is from both of us.
When I give you a gift, it is from both of us.
When I tell you how proud of you I am, it is from both of us.

You have grown into such a wonderful woman. Your hard work is paying off. Your dedication is paying off. You are getting all the blessing we had ever hoped for, and you deserve each and every one of them.

Happy Birthday Nat Rat.
We love you soooo much.
XOXO....Mom and Dad

My Birthday Goat

WOW....my birthday isn't even until tomorrow and WOW!!! The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of luncheons, parties, cards, gifts and spending time with fabulous friends. Heavenly Father must have known I really needed it this year.

Earlier this year I posted my "Bucket List" and one of the things on there is to find a group/organization/ to really get involved in on whatever level I can. I have helped out, given to and supported many over the years. My main one for over 20 years was Toy's For Tots. I really  enjoyed hosting my "Death By Dessert" party each year. Opening my home up to all my friends and family for them to partake of yummy desserts in exchange for them donating a new toy for a needy child. But having moved from a large house to a small apartment I decided that I needed to  change my focus to something that would fit my new life style. I wanted something different, something new. I didn't want to dabble in a lot of different causes, I wanted just one that I could help with on whatever level felt right for me.....and I found it.

I have a group of girlfriends who go to Africa each year with hearts and suitcases filled with love. The suitcases are also filled with first aide and hygiene supplies. These ladies also help organize gifts of goats, cows, and chickens. People living in huts made of dung do not have the luxury of driving down to the grocery store and grabbing a gallon of milk or a carton of eggs. But with our help and the donation of a cow, goat or chickens, they not only will eat everyday, they are able to sell the milk from the goats, and eggs from the chickens and send their children to school. Can you imagine not being able to send your child to school??????

Two of my sweet friends got together and donated a goat in my name for my birthday.....can I tell you I was moved beyond belief. My heart pumped and jumped and constricted and almost felt like it would stop. It was the most amazing gift I have ever been given. I couldn't stop crying. That gift will change the lives of an entire family....and it has certainly changed mine. I asked for something to be involved in....and here it is.

NOTE: Part of the process is that the first two off spring go to another family. So it truly is a gift that keeps on giving.

I wish I had the resources to give 100 cows, goats and chickens but I don't. I CAN however spend my time filling a suitcase with all the first aide and hygiene supplies I can gather. I will be asking for your help.

Do you have an extra first aid kit, a box of band aids, tooth paste, etc... that you would be willing to part with? Would you be willing to go to the Dollar store and purchase some of these items to donate? Do you have an old suitcase you no longer need? They ladies leave them behind once they are emptied of their supplies and the recipients use them as tables.....can you even imagine????

My heart is full, and I can't think of anything I want to do more than to help another parent send their child to school, or  feed them an egg for breakfast. Will you help me?????

I will gladly come to you and pick up any donations you have. Just one box of band aids can and will make a difference.

Thank you Heavenly Father for the AMAZING people you have brought into my life. And thank you for a prayer answered.

My Sweet Mom

37 years ago today....my sweet mom passed from this life on to live once again with her Heavenly Father. It seems in some ways a million years ago...and it other ways it was only yesterday.

I don't have many pictures of her but this one is my favorite. She looks like a Spanish Senorita leaning against the arch of an old Spanish building waiting for her true love. Ok, so she was not Spanish, but the building was old and she was waiting for her true love...my daddy!

I was only 16 years when she died. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. A girl needs her mom, and at 16 I really needed her. She wasn't at my wedding, (at least not in the physical sense) but I am sure she was close by. She was not there for the birth of my son or to be introduced to her beautiful granddaughters. I was so lost without her. My dad tried but he had a major stroke only a few months after she died and I ended up taking care of him....and my childhood was officially over!

My mom was so kind, and sweet but if you pushed too far she would let you know you had gone far enough. She was brave too....she went through so much and never gave up. She lost 2 of her 5 children only 6 months apart. No parent wants to outlive their children but to lose 2 in such a short time....I can't even begin to imagine the pain.

As a young teenager of course I didn't always appreciate her and all of her amazing qualities. But my friends seem to. There was always one of my girlfriends at my house asking her advice about something....oh how I wish she was here today with some of her sweet wisdom.

She was an amazing cook. Everyone wanted to eat at my house. She loved to bake and cook and our house was always filled with the most delicious smells.

She loved my dad and all of her children. She wanted only the best for us. There is so much I wish I could tell her......how much I need her. How her grandson does so many things that remind me of her. How I do so many things just like her and how much I love her, admire her and miss her. Sometimes I think I am like her....and other times I don't. I have gone through so much and it has left me feeling weak and scared...not strong and brave. I just want her to put her arms around me and hold me and tell me it will all be ok....it may hurt a little but it will be ok.

One time a girl from the neighborhood came by and started a fight with me in the front yard...my mom said well if you win she will leave you alone so I will step back and make sure no one blind sides you....ok maybe not the best advice but hey it was the 60's...things were different back then. The girls mother showed up and tried to sneak up behind me and hit me with an umbrella when I wasn't looking. The next thing I know my mom had hit her with a right hook and the woman was OUT! I know......not a very lady like memory.....but I love it....it makes me giggle every time!!

I miss you mommy......I hope each and every day for some of your strength and wisdom. I am a pretty decent cook and I have a really good right hook....LOL

Love you!!

Happy New Year 2014

WOW....What a year 2013 was!!!! So many ups and downs. Many more downs than I wanted of course but there were a few bright spots. I will be thankful for them and move forward into the new year with joy and hope in my heart for many more of those wonderful moments.

I am going to have to do some very hard things this year...coming out of my comfort zone to achieve them will be the hardest of the hard. I am a creature of habit. I don't like change. I am one of those that likes when things just go along. But as we all know life gives you what you need and I need to get out of my comfort zone.....I have avoided it for a long time. Kicking and screaming and holding on by my nails....but I have finally let go.

Scared you ask....OMGosh  I am sooooo scared!!!! Moving forward into a place you don't want to go, doing things you don't want to do, and with not much confidence in the outcome...YEP...I am scared.
But....it is time. So wish me luck!!

2013 brought about some really hard times for me. I was divorced on February 13th (the day before Valentines day) if Valentines Day wasn't hard enough, now it's eve is my divorce date...wow...LOL
The end of my marriage was devastating and the pain unbearable at times.

I lost my home, and what little independence I had. But so thankful for my sweet daughter Nicole and her husband T-Bone for giving me and Cody a warm, safe, wonderful place to stay until we were back on our feet again. They will never know how grateful we are for their love, hospitality and generosity.

But there were good things as well......I have gained a much better relationship with all of my children. Not the one I had in my head but the real kind. Perfect...nope...real...yes! I love them with all my heart and soul.

I made some new friends. They have brought so much sunshine into my life. I reconnect with a few friends from the past, bringing with them wonderful childhood memories that I had forgotten. I reconnected with family (my ex-husband and his wonderful family) that I thought might be lost but their hearts are big and they are still in my life. We are just finding new ways to connect.

I have really seen with my heart and not my eyes what is important and what I can let go of that was just cluttering up my mind and heart, taking away attention from what really matters.

The out pouring of love and support that I received in my darkest hours. Some from people that I never would have imagined even cared.

My eyes were opened to many of my own flaws, some needed fixing, some are just part of who I am.

I realized what I really wanted from my relationship with my Savior. And what I want and don't want in form of religion. This one was the most gut wrenching by far.

I made a bucket list instead of a New Years Resolution List......
Bucket List 2013

1. Alaskan Cruise
2. To see the leaves change in the fall in Vermont.
3. To see "The Forgotten Carols".
4. To see the "Celtic Women" perform.
5. Hot Air Balloon Ride
That's enough for now. I am 52 and a few of these are going to take a lot of time and saving.

I only achieved one, but that's ok.... Thanks to a very sweet friend. I was treated to dinner and "The forgotten Carols" by my dear friend Regina Essex. What a wonderful experience that was. It touched my heart so much.

My list has changed a little for this year.....

Bucket List 2014

1. Alaskan Cruise (this will never change) as it is my hearts desire to see Alaska and to get there by way of a cruise ship.

2.To serve more. To not scatter myself all over dipping my toes into this and that. But to find a cause I truly believe in and that touches my heart and soul (not that they are not all worthy because they are), and then give it all I have. Really make a difference in a group or organization using my abilities and talents to help change the lives of others.

3. To grow closer to my Savior. To seek him through prayer and build a one on one relationship with him. To hopefully find out what it is I am here for. To make sure I thank him daily for all my blessings.

4. To reach out to family and friends...to give and assist where and when I am needed. To give back to all those who have been there for me. I would list you all, but there are too many to mention.

5. To take better care of my health. This one will be soooooooo challenging. As I am a stress eater. And with all the hard challenges ahead of me, I know I will naturally turn to food in my most weakest and scary moments.....I guess forgiving myself and not giving up will be a big part of this.

2014 is going to be ONE BIG CHALLENGE....but so was 2013. I am still here, still breathing, a little bruised, but still here. So I know I can get through anything......but not roller coasters.....on those I puke...LOL

Happy New Year to all those that take the time to read this.....and to those that don't. Thank you to all that were a part of my 2013...good or bad. You helped mold me, you help me to see that forgiveness is possible on both sides. You helped me to see I can give help but can also ask for it as well (that is a hard one for many of us). You helped me through divorce, homelessness, joblessness, feeling unwanted, unloved and unneeded.

May your cup runneth over with all the most beautiful of blessings. Wish you a 2014 that is over the top amazing!!!